More than a Feeling

"Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.  I will be found by you, declares the Lord,"
Jeremiah 29:12-14a

"The heavens declare the glory of God,
and the sky above proclaims his handiwork.
Day to day pours out speech, and night to night reveals knowledge."

Psalm 19:1-2

I rely a lot on emotions and feelings.  I know what it feels like to have God's intimate presense, because I've felt it multiple times before.  Which is why I've been struggling these past two weeks...

I know God is always with me.  I believe it.  Three weeks ago, I clearly felt his presense too.  However, the feeling faded as the stresses of life caught me in their undertow.  School piled up.  Family and friends distracted.  Personal wants and desires tempted. As the feeling of his passionate, intimate presense left, the desire for it to return grew.  I questioned what I had done wrong... What had I done to cause this distance??? How do I fix it, Lord?!
I was overwhelmed for days with a longing to feel my Savior with me again like I had before.  I desperately searched for what was wrong with me, hoping I would find his presense. I couldn't understand where he had gone... Why I wasn't feeling him with me. 

And then he opened my eyes.

He slowed my speeding heart and racing mind.  Every day that week, I lived only to make it through that day to the next, overwhelmed and discouraged. His words were like chocolate milk to my soul: "Open your eyes... Look at what I have created all around you.  See me through it all. Me. Slow your fast paced, busy life down and breathe.  Stop being so intently focused upon your to-do list.  Sit for a moment.  Let my presense wash over you as the warm wind moves your hair.  Discover my beauty in my creation's colors.  This is another way you can know my presense.  I am not just a feeling.  I am so much more... Just let me show you."

That was Tuesday of last week. Since then, I have been intentionally looking for his beauty through creation. Oppertunities and reasons to worship him.  My moments with him are deepening my love for him.  This past week I have waited in wonder of him as I watched the sun set and rise.  I sat in breathless awe earlier tonight as I watched his lightning play among the clouds as the crickets worshipped him in song.  I have witnessed and listened to countless stories of God's faithfulness and sovereignty as he works in and among his people. 

He is teaching me that he is not a feeling. I say teaching because I have not mastered this lesson; nor will I ever.  I struggle with not trusting my feelings first and foremost...  But, he is giving me faith to learn to be still and wait for him. (Psalm 37:7a)  When questions of doubt begin to peck at my heart, I run into God's arms.  There he reminds me of his steadfastness.  He reminds me that my feelings come and go like the lapping of waves on the shoreline. But he... he is eternal.

Not Put to Shame

"I will speak of your statutes before kings and I will not be put to shame, for I delight in your commands because I love them." Psalm 119:46

What courage! Fearlessly speaking God's word, even before kings!! I love this verse for that very reason. I desperately want to fearlessly speak God's word to EVERYONE. I want to be like the disciples of Acts: bold, courageous, selfless, and passionately allowing the Spirit to lead them.
For months I have found comfort in this verse because it says "and i will not be put to shame." My thought was, "awesome! God won't let me be put to shame because I'll be speaking His word! What do I have to worry of acceptance or ridicule? He's got me!"
And he certainly does have me. But what if the shame he is talking of here is not shame from people, but from him?? Because wasn't even Jesus shamed by people, even to the point of being put to death on a cross? But God said of him, "This is my son, who I love."
Maybe I will be put to shame in others' eyes when I speak of his statutes before kings, maybe I won't. But if I am listening and obeying the Spirit, I am confident I will not be shamed in God's eyes. Whose but God's opinion do I really need to care about anyways?
The last person I want to be like is Eve, who disobeyed and was ashamed. (Genesis 3) No, I want to be like Paul, who spoke boldly of God before King Agrippa (Acts 26). Because this life isn't about me or my comfort, it's about God's glory.
So I will obey you, O Lord. I will speak of your statutes before kings. And I may be tortured, mocked, flogged, chained and imprisoned, stoned, sawn in two, or killed by the sword. I may walk about in skins of sheep and goats, destitute, afflicted, an mistreated (Hebrews 11:36-37). But in your eyes, I pray I will not be put to shame.

I am thankful.

I am thankful.
I am thankful that my God is sovereign. He has made me and knows more about me than I ever will.  He teaches me lessons I need to learn in his own perfect timing, and equips me with the ability to learn it.  He reminds me HIS ways and thoughts are higher than my own (Isaiah 55:8-9). He reveals to me his caring, compassionate heart. He is faithful, patient, loving, gracious, correcting, firm, steadfast, eternal......
I am thankful that his Word is true, and prayer is reliable.  His truth does not depend on my experience or feeling.  He is able to handle all the frustration and questions I can dish out. He alone can wholly satisfy my longing heart.
I am thankful for who he has given me. A friend who calls me out and reminds me that this life is not about me.  A friend who reminds me of who it is I really am, and why I've been created. A brother who genuinely cares.  A friend who encourages. 
I am thankful that even when a day does not start (or continue) how I had wanted, God is in control of it. His blessings are woven throughout my day.  He changes my attitude, humbles my heart, and opens my eyes so I can see his presence, feel his "hugs".
I am thankful that I have been saved by the blood of the Lamb. And, everyday, God is transforming my mind.  Everyday, he is making me more like his precious son. Everyday he is faithful and true.
For all this and so much more, I am thankful....

Trust in the Lord...

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

My heart's desire is to please my LORD. I want to honor Him with all of my actions, my words, my thoughts. I long to hear the words "Well done, my good and faithful servant" as I enter into His presence.
All too often though, I begin to worry... Was that really God's voice or my own? Should I be doing something I'm not? Was I right or wrong in saying that? Questions of doubt worm their ways into my head. Resulting in a cry out of uncertainty! A desire for a set of dos and don'ts... a list of rules I can live by and do everything right. "Cause God, if I only had that, then I wouldn't make any mistakes! I wouldn't dishonor or displease you. I could do everything right..."
But, in reality, is it when "we do everything right" that God is pleased? Or when we turn to Him? Is it God's desire that we live perfect lives on our own? Or that we allow Him to be the one to make us like His perfect son?
I think God didn't give us a "How to Live the Perfect Life 101" rulebook or a perfect understanding of this life for a reason.  Because if He had, would we have as much of a need for Him as we do?? Instead, He gave us His Spirit and His Word!! A part of Himself, given to us to guide us throughout life. (Romans 8:14, Psalm 119:105).
A part of GOD! Given to me! And I just want a list of dos and don'ts?! What a glorious adventure I would miss out on... An adventure to discover the heart of God, to learn more of Him intimately, to become more like Him personally...
This adventure, however, requires faith and trust (two areas God has really been teaching and growing me in as of late).  It requires a confidence that God will direct us in the way He wants us to go, and convict us when we're not walking according to His directions.  We must lay down our need to understand, our desire to control and lead, and place them in the hands of the One who has already planned our lives. (Psalm 139:16). We must confidently live moment by moment listening for the whisper of the Spirit and walking by the light of the Word. Trusting that God will lead and guide us in the way of everlasting. (Psalm 139:24b)