More than a Feeling

"Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.  I will be found by you, declares the Lord,"
Jeremiah 29:12-14a

"The heavens declare the glory of God,
and the sky above proclaims his handiwork.
Day to day pours out speech, and night to night reveals knowledge."

Psalm 19:1-2

I rely a lot on emotions and feelings.  I know what it feels like to have God's intimate presense, because I've felt it multiple times before.  Which is why I've been struggling these past two weeks...

I know God is always with me.  I believe it.  Three weeks ago, I clearly felt his presense too.  However, the feeling faded as the stresses of life caught me in their undertow.  School piled up.  Family and friends distracted.  Personal wants and desires tempted. As the feeling of his passionate, intimate presense left, the desire for it to return grew.  I questioned what I had done wrong... What had I done to cause this distance??? How do I fix it, Lord?!
I was overwhelmed for days with a longing to feel my Savior with me again like I had before.  I desperately searched for what was wrong with me, hoping I would find his presense. I couldn't understand where he had gone... Why I wasn't feeling him with me. 

And then he opened my eyes.

He slowed my speeding heart and racing mind.  Every day that week, I lived only to make it through that day to the next, overwhelmed and discouraged. His words were like chocolate milk to my soul: "Open your eyes... Look at what I have created all around you.  See me through it all. Me. Slow your fast paced, busy life down and breathe.  Stop being so intently focused upon your to-do list.  Sit for a moment.  Let my presense wash over you as the warm wind moves your hair.  Discover my beauty in my creation's colors.  This is another way you can know my presense.  I am not just a feeling.  I am so much more... Just let me show you."

That was Tuesday of last week. Since then, I have been intentionally looking for his beauty through creation. Oppertunities and reasons to worship him.  My moments with him are deepening my love for him.  This past week I have waited in wonder of him as I watched the sun set and rise.  I sat in breathless awe earlier tonight as I watched his lightning play among the clouds as the crickets worshipped him in song.  I have witnessed and listened to countless stories of God's faithfulness and sovereignty as he works in and among his people. 

He is teaching me that he is not a feeling. I say teaching because I have not mastered this lesson; nor will I ever.  I struggle with not trusting my feelings first and foremost...  But, he is giving me faith to learn to be still and wait for him. (Psalm 37:7a)  When questions of doubt begin to peck at my heart, I run into God's arms.  There he reminds me of his steadfastness.  He reminds me that my feelings come and go like the lapping of waves on the shoreline. But he... he is eternal.